Published May 27, 2008
I don't understand any of the words out into my mouth.
They don't define anything but pain and misery in the end.
So why should I have to deal with them?
Why don't the old words that were nonsense occupy my mouth?
Now the ones that remain are put into harsh sentences.
And they don't have any positive meanings.
Always now used to lash out and tear people down.
Our minds now warped into states of only finding pleasure in pain and discomfort of others.
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Canary word: Present
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What I see here, is a series of ideas, never expanded upon, so look only like single sentences. The idea has some originality, just work on keeping us interested. This poem needs so much more. You have a basic frame here, which could so very easily fall. Now think and remember show don't tell. Just remember that and you'll have a good poem.
Overall: Nothing much to say except, expand on this greatly. Hope this helps.
Good luck
VSN
hello again let me start off to say if you read my comment on the other poem it applies here also because you did the same mistakes over again. Its ok because you didn't konw it was a mistake you didn't mean to do.
Not as bunched up as the other one. Good Job.
here is something you wrote that is wrong
And they don't have any positive meanings. Don't start a sentence off with "and" its a conjuction. Try not to do that.
Sincerly GRL
Hello!
First I would like to welcome you to YWS. If you have any questions about the site or need help finding something feel free to PM me.
I just wanted to let your know I changed your title. It was in uppercase, which is bothersome. We kind of have a rule about that, and unless it served some artistic purpose, titles should be lowercase (other than the necessary capitalizes, For Example).
To the poem, some of the lines don't make sense:
"Always now used to lash out and tear people down." This one for example. It's really weird. It's its own sentence, but it makes no sense.
Another thing you can look at is your word choice. Be more specific than "pain", "Misery" and "discomfort". My big suggest is that you read poetry. When I first started writing poetry, I had no idea what I was doing, but I quickly learned that the best way to figure it out, was by reading more poetry. The best poets on our site include, but are certainly not limited to: Incandescence, Fandilocks, Via, Leja, and Caligulas_Launderette.
Some good published poets that I can think of off the top of my head are Frost, Dickinson, Plath, TS Elliot, and Longfellow. There are many, many poets out there. Trust me, read some poetry! It's a lot more than just words on a paper. Something else you might want to look into is getting a book like Poetry for Dummies. I have a copy, and I love it!